Snog All The Doctors!
by cheri1
Summary: Eleven/River. On a lark, River decides to break out of Stormcage one day and find all the incarnations of the Doctor and snog them senseless. Crackfic. FINISHED.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

River was sitting in her cell at Stormcage reading a book. It was a slow day and River was trying to relieve the boredom. She knew she could escape at any time but even that didn't interest her so she spend the day napping, eating and trying to lose herself in a good book.

As she turned the page, her ears pricked up when she heard a familiar wheezing sound. She grinned and closed the book. Standing up, she turned and faced the bars of her prison, watching while the TARDIS fully materialized.

"My love, you read my mind," River said softly as she moved closer to the bars.

The door opened and River smiled when she saw her husband. The smile fell off her face when she noticed he looked angry.

"You don't look happy to see me, sweetie," she said to him while Amy and Rory stepped out of the TARDIS.

"I'm not," the Doctor said, stepping up to the bars.

"River, what did you do?" Amy said as she and Rory came up to the bars.

"I did nothing," River said, confused.

"Oh? Because anything you do that affects me goes into my memories. You interacted with my previous lives, didn't you?"

"Oh…that," River said, shifting nervously. "Oh come on, it was just a joke, sweetie."

"Why? What'd she do?" Amy said to the Doctor.

"Go on, tell them," the Doctor said.

"I used my vortex manipulator to visit the Doctor and say hello," River said innocently.

"Tell…them," the Doctor said.

"Oh, alright…" River said.

The Doctor folded his arms over his chest while River took a deep breath and began to explain what happened.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"Come along," the Fifth Doctor said as he stepped out of his TARDIS.

"Where are we?" Nyssa said as she and Tegan stepped out behind him.

"Marshworld in the Denalian Galaxy," Five said, closing the door of his TARDIS. "Bit marshy, hence the name. But it can be quite scenic and it has some of the most unusual creatures known to…"

He trailed off when a strange woman came around the TARDIS. The woman was carrying a small leather-bound book in her hands. Her hair was blonde and curly and it was pulled back in a pouffy ponytail and she was wearing a white strapless dress and white stilettos. Five noticed the woman was wearing a vortex manipulator on her wrist. She studied something in the book and then looked at his face and then looked at the book and then looked at his face.

"Your photo is sexier in the Spotter's Guide," the woman finally said to him.

"I'm sorry, do I know you and what the hell is a Spotter's Guide?" Five said. "Spotter's Guide for what?"

"You, sweetie. I don't know all your faces by heart," the woman said. "My, my, you do love the youthful faces, don't you?"

"Doctor, who is she?" Tegan said as she and Nyssa came up beside him.

"I…don't know," Five said, shaking his head.

"Professor River Song, Archeologist," River said, holding out her hand to him.

"The Doctor," Five said, shaking her hand.

"Yes, I know. I have the Spotter's Guide, remember?" River said, tapping the book with her fingernail. "And who are you?" she said to his companions.

"I'm Nyssa."

"Tegan Jovanka," Tegan said. "Where did you meet the Doctor?"

"Yes, where did you meet me?" Five said.

"In the future, love."

"Wait, you're my future?" Five said, suddenly nervous.

"And your past and your present," River said smugly. "I know we've never formally met but I have a vortex manipulator and…I was a bit bored so I thought I'd go off in search of you and here you are, aren't I lucky?"

"Yeah, I'm…lucky," Five muttered, backing away when River started a seductive walk towards him. "Listen, nice to meet you but I better go back in the TARDIS and erase this meeting from my mind. Timelines and all that…"

He was cut off when River lunged at him, put her arms around him and snogged his brains out while Nyssa and Tegan watched in a stunned silence. Tegan expected her friend to resist but to her surprise, he got into it after getting over the initial shock.

"Doctor?" Tegan said, tapping him on the shoulder.

She backed up when the Five tried to swat her away while snogging River. She shot an experated look to Nyssa while Five continued to suck face with River. After three minutes, River broke off the snog and stepped back.

"Not bad, not as good as your eleventh self but passable," River said. "Well, that was wonderful, I'll see you in future, sweetie!"

"Wait!" Five said, holding out his hand to stop her while she programmed something into her manipulator.

River blew him a kiss, hit a button on her manipulator and vanished from view.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"Doctor, this is gorgeous," Sarah Jane said while she and the Fourth Doctor stood near the edge of a cliff.

Beyond the cliff was a waterfall. The water was a soft shade of lavender and it cascaded down a sheer rock face into a river below. Mist rose up from the bottom of the waterfall and Sarah Jane could see the hint of a rainbow in it. The Doctor pointed to the purple water.

"The water is that color because of algae that lives in the water in great numbers," he said. "It is known as the Purple River because of them."

"It's amazing," Sarah Jane said.

"Yes, it is," Four said.

"Yes, it is."

Four frowned when he heard a woman's voice behind him. He turned and saw a blonde woman was leaning against the TARDIS.

"Hello, cutie," River said, waving at him while Sarah Jane turned to look at her.

"Um…hi," Four said hesitantly. "Do I know you?"

"No. But I know you," River said.

"Okay…" Four said, not sure what to say to that.

River walked up to him and fingered his multicolored scarf.

"Wow, what a long scarf," River purred, looking into the Doctor's eyes. "Is it true what they say about the length of a man's scarf?"

"I don't know. What do they say about it?" Four said, confused.

"Hmmm, a little slow on the uptake in this life," River said.

The Doctor grunted when she jerked on the scarf and got close to his face.

"Excuse me, we're busy," Sarah Jane said, incensed at this interloper.

"Look, waterfall, stare at it," River said to Sarah Jane, pointing over the Doctor's shoulder while she continued to stare into his eyes.

"Look, I don't know who you are but this is really bad form. I…"

River pulled on the scarf and locked lips with him while Sarah Jane stared at them in shock. Four resisted for a moment and then wrapped his arms around her while he succumbed to her charms.

"Hey! Get off him!" Sarah Jane said, trying to pull River away.

River pulled back and sighed angrily.

"I see I have competition this time around," she said to the stunned Doctor. "Eh, you weren't that good anyway and the scarf looks ridiculous. I'll leave you and strumpet to your waterfall."

"Strumpet? I'm not the one that grabbed the Doctor and…"

Sarah Jane fell silent when River quickly punched in coordinates on her manipulator and vanished from sight. Sarah Jane looked at the Doctor who was still a bit stunned. He glanced at Sarah Jane and coughed nervously.

"Right, now about that waterfall," he said quickly, turning around while Sarah Jane glared at him.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"Doctor, what is it?" Sarah Jane said while the Third Doctor pulled her into a London alley.

"I think I figured out what's going on here," the Doctor said to her. "I think the Daleks are planning an invasion."

"Are you sure?" Sarah Jane said.

"Pretty sure and it's up to you and me to stop them."

"What are you now, the Phantom of the Opera?"

"Doctor," Sarah Jane said, pointing over his shoulder at a woman. "She just appeared out of thin air just now."

"Did you ever dress like a normal person?" River said as she stepped up to the Doctor. "I thought the tweed was horrendous but this…and you again? No wonder you got so defensive the last time. Is this your girlfriend then?" she said to the Doctor while she pointed to Sarah Jane.

"What? No, she's my companion," Three said. "And who are you?"

River sighed.

"I'm River Song, nice to meet you, even though I've met you before," she said. "Now about your outfit, does no one know how to dress you?"

"I like my outfit," Three said, folding his arms over his chest.

River chuckled and drew near to him.

"At least you're not ten this time around," she said, running her finger down his cheek.

"Look, we're busy here," Sarah Jane said, stepping up beside the Doctor.

"Oh, lookie, the strumpet is getting possessive again," River said with a sigh.

"Strumpet? How dare you!" Sarah Jane growled at her.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm really scared. Anyway, on to business," River said.

She grabbed Three's opera cape and jerked him towards her. Her lips met his and she held fast to the cape while she snogged him silly.

"Doctor, the Daleks, remember?" Sarah Jane said while Three snogged River back.

"Mmmwah!" River said, finishing up. "Impressive. You're the best so far. Course I have other Doctors to visit so I'll let you and Strumpet get back to the Daleks. Ta-ta, sweetie!"

"If you call me Strumpet one more time I'm gonna bust your face open," Sarah Jane said while River stepped back and programmed the coordinates into her manipulator.

"Piss off, Strumpet!" River yelled at Sarah Jane before she disappeared from sight.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"Peri, leave me alone!" Six said to his companion as they stood inside the TARDIS.

Peri was holding out a glass of carrot juice to him.

"It's healthy, you could stand to lose a few pounds," Peri said.

"I'm not that fat, Brown," Six said. "But in the interest of keeping the peace and shutting you up…"

He took the glass from her hand and sipped it for her benefit. He made a face as the carrot juice went down his throat.

"Detestable vegetable," he said as he stared at the glass. "Whoever likes carrots is obviously insane, in my humble opinion!"

"Whatever, Doctor," Peri said with a sigh. "Sometimes I miss your other life."

"P'eh, that weakling? I'm far superiour to that emotional little git," Six said pompously.

Peri was about to leave the room when suddenly there was a knock on the TARDIS door. Both of them turned and stared at it.

"Odd, I wasn't expecting anyone," Six said, turning to the console.

He used the door lever on it to open the door. He took another small sip of carrot juice as he walked to it. The door opened and he froze with his glass to his lips when he saw an unfamiliar woman standing just outside the TARDIS. He lowered the glass while he and the woman stared at each other. The woman made a face while she stared at his outfit.

"Ewwwww, what the hell is this thing?" she said, pointing to his outfit.

"That, Madam, is my outfit," Six said indignantly.

"Really? Where'd you get it, Ringling Brothers?" River said.

She noticed the glass in his hand.

"Good idea," she said, pointing to it. "You could stand to lose some weight."

"I am not fat!" Six said. "Why does everyone think I am? And who are you? What do you want?"

"Well…I was going to snog you but…I think I'll give this life a miss and find something a little…less…garish," River said.

She noticed Peri's skimpy '80's outfit and raised her eyebrow.

"Wow. And I thought the other one was a strumpet. Are you an intergalactic pimp or something? Because you never said but I notice you seem to favor bringing women with you. Is this a hobby of yours?"

"I don't know who you are but if you don't leave immediately, I will be forced to take drastic measures!"

"You mean like making me wear your outfit?" River said. "Because that would be a hell of a drastic measure in my opinion. Fine. I'll skip you and go find someone else. Toodles!"

She quickly punched in the next coordinates and disappeared from view.

"Good riddance, Harpy," Six said before manually closing the doors.

He turned and noticed Peri had a smug look on her face.

"See, I'm not the only one that noticed you needed to lose weight," she said.

"Oh, belt up, Peri," Six said before he hurried out of the console room.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

"Come along, Come along," the First Doctor said as he stepped outside his TARDIS. "We have much to see."

Barbara, Ian and Susan came outside and looked around. There were standing in the middle of a field and in the distance was a crystal castle with tall spires. The castle gleamed in the sunlight.

"Where are we, Grandfather?" Susan asked while Ian closed the TARDIS door.

"This is Marvello. And that is the palace of the ruler of Marvello. His name is Tyrenius and he's a personal friend of mine. The last time I saw him he asked me to come back sometime for a spot of tea. I think we should take him up on his invitation and relax for a change."

"Sounds good to me," Ian said.

They froze when a woman suddenly appeared in front of them. She was holding the spotter's guide in her hands and she made a face when she saw One.

"Ugh, it is true, I was hoping they put the wrong photo in here," River said.

"Who is that?" Barbara said to the Doctor.

"I haven't the faintest idea," One said as River closed the book and walked up to him.

"I can see why you became a fetus since you started out as a crusty old fart," River said, looking him over.

"I beg your pardon, madam?" One said angrily. "I do not like insults, especially from strangers!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," River said.

One and River stared at one another while his companions looked on.

"Is there a reason you're staring at me, young lady?" One finally said.

"Yeah, I'm debating on whether or not I want to snog you. When I thought of doing this, I thought it'd be a great idea but that's before I ran into the circus clown and now I've found Granddad and suddenly I don't like this idea of mine."

"Look, we're very busy," Susan said, stepping up beside One. "Grandfather has things to do so could you please leave him alone?"

"Grandfather?" River said to One. "You never said you had children. Apparently I wasn't the first one to catch your eye. I just hope whoever it was liked prunes and adult nappies because I get the feeling there was a lot of that around. Still, I'll just give you a friendly peck on the cheek so I can tick off another Doctor."

She started to walk up to him but One raised his walking stick and held it in a threatening manner.

"Fine, I didn't want to taste dry skin anyway," River said with a sigh. "Anyway, have fun and be sure to take long rests after every few feet or so before you have a hearts attack and for God's sake, don't run whatever you do!"

"Just get out of here!" One said angrily while River programmed her manipulator.

"Yeah, yeah, Geezer, I'm going," River said before she activated it.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"Couldn't we have parked closer to the hospital since you knew we'd be going there," Rose said to the Tenth Doctor while she and him made their way to the hospital on New Earth.

"Nah, it's not that far," Ten said. "Besides, we can chat and get to know each other better, yeah?"

Rose nodded and took his hand. They were halfway to the hospital when River suddenly appeared in front of her.

"Hell yeah!" River said, pumping her fist. "I finally hit the jackpot!"

"I'm sorry," Ten said. "Who are you?"

River answered him by plowing straight into him, seizing him and snogging him as both of them fell over onto the apple grass.

"Hey! Leave him alone!" Rose yelled as the Doctor tried to push River off of him.

She slapped River on the back repeatedly while the Doctor kept trying to get her off him. River snogged him quickly, aware that the annoying blonde was raining blows down on her. River finally came up for air and rolled off the stunned Doctor. She gasped when Rose followed her and kept up the assault.

"Alright, Chavzilla, I stopped now!" River said angrily as she got to her feet. "Sheesh, call off your attack dog, will ya?" she said to the Doctor as Ten got to his feet and grabbed hold of Rose from behind.

"Stay away from him," Rose growled at her.

River studied her.

"Let me guess, this was another of your strumpet girlfriends," she said to Ten as she pointed at Rose.

"I wouldn't call others Strumpet," Rose snarled at her while the Doctor held her back. "Especially since you practically pounced on him and shoved your tongue down his bleedin' throat!"

"Alright, alright, I'm going then. Sheesh, it was just a kiss," River muttered as she programmed her manipulator.

"Hold on, where did you get a vortex manipulator?" Ten said to River while she finished programming it.

"Lovely chap, he was a lot more eager than you were, I'll tell you that," River said with a wink. "And he gave me this as a gift. But anyway, I'll leave you alone with Cujo here. Have fun, kiddies!"

She blew Rose a kiss before she vanished from view.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The Ninth Doctor and Rose lay together in his bed while they enjoyed a little cuddle. Jack was doing other things and Nine wanted to take advantage of that to enjoy some alone time with the woman he loved. Both of them were naked and laying under a white sheet. Rose's blonde hair cascaded down her right cheek while she gazed into Nine's eyes. Nine moved the hair away and laid his hand on her cheek.

"Doctor," Rose said softly while Nine smiled tenderly.

He leaned forward and kissed her lips. Rose sighed and returned the kiss. While she kissed him, she ran her hands up his chest to his shoulders and then down his arms.

"Well, it seems I was right about this particular relationship."

Rose gasped and she pulled away from the Doctor when she heard a woman's voice. She and Nine looked at the front of the bed and saw a woman standing there.

"No wonder you wanted to kill me the last time," River said to Rose.

"JACK! I TOLD YOU NOT TO BRING ANYBODY ON BOARD THIS TARDIS!" Nine bellowed.

"Who are you?" Rose said to River.

River backed up towards the closed door.

"If I say who I am will you stay in bed and not throttle me?" she asked.

"JACK! GET IN HERE AND COLLECT THIS WOMAN RIGHT NOW!" Nine yelled.

"I'm coming! I don't have a woman in here," Jack said outside the door.

He opened the door and froze when he took in the scene before him. River turned to him and her mouth formed a silent "Ooo…" as she gazed at him.

"Jack, who is this?" Nine said, pointing to River.

"I don't know, I've never seen her before in my life," Jack said.

"You didn't bring her on board?" Nine said.

"No, I was in the kitchen eating a sandwich. I was nowhere near a woman," Jack said.

"Where did you come from then?" Nine said to River. "How'd you get in my TARDIS?"

"Oh, I know a little trick to get in here," River said. "River Song is my name. I would kiss you but the attack dog is at your side and I don't want more bruises on my back."

"Excuse me?" Rose said angrily. "Attack dog, is that what you called me?"

River looked at Jack while Rose gave her a look of death.

"Eh, you'll do for this round," she said with a shrug before launching herself at Jack.

Jack staggered back when she flung herself into his arms. Nine sighed angrily when Jack recovered from the shock and wrapped his arms around River.

"Not his woman, eh?" Nine said to Rose while Jack turned River and pushed her up against the wall beside the door.

Nine and Rose watched while the two of them snogged against his bedroom wall.

"Excuse me," Nine finally said. "Could you take it somewhere else? Rose and I don't want to watch you."

"Mmmph," Jack said, shrugging while River played tonsil hockey with him.

"Lady, if you don't leave this instant, I'll make you leave and it won't be pleasant!" Nine yelled at River.

River quickly broke off the kiss.

"Okay, I'm going, don't want the attack dog on me again," River said over her shoulder while Jack gasped.

She tried to step back but Jack held her firmly in his arms and waggled his eyebrows at her.

"Round two, in my bedroom?" he said hopefully.

"Ooo, it's tempting but I better not. I have other Doctors to see. But could you let me go?" she said sweetly.

Jack put his arms down at his sides. He did a double take when he saw her manipulator.

"Wait, are you a time agent?" he said excitedly.

"Nah, I freelance, sweetie," River said to him.

She finished programming in the coordinates and hesitated a moment. Then she sprinted around to Nine's side of the bed, quickly kissed his cheek and activated her manipulator before Rose could do anything to her.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"I know who I am!" the Eighth Doctor proclaimed before he kissed Grace Holloway passionately.

He pulled away, a triumphant look on his face.

"I…am…the Doctor!" he said.

"Good!" Grace said. "Now do that again."

Eight grinned and kissed her again. Grace put her arms around him and was totally into the kiss when suddenly they heard a woman's voice saying…

"My God, you're the biggest man whore I've ever seen in my life!"

Eight jerked his head back and turned around. River was directly behind him, arms folded over her chest while she glared at him.

"I'm beginning to think my whole theory of you being a space pimp was correct," River said while Eight and Grace stared at her in a stunned silence. "I'm shocked you decided to marry me. After all, why buy the bloody cow when you can have the milk for free, right?"

"Who the hell are you?" Grace said.

"I'm the pissed off future wife who is realizing just how much of a philanderer my future husband is," River said.

"Future wife?" Grace said to Eight.

"I don't know who this is," Eight said in a slightly shrill voice.

"It's a good thing you don't know otherwise I'd coldcock you for being a shameless gigalo," River said to him. "I didn't think I was the first woman you ever kissed or even bedded but bloody hell, sweetie. Makes me wonder if I should get tested for every disease in the universe after seeing all this. This whole snog the Doctor thing has been a real eye opener for me."

She looked at Eight and smiled.

"Okay, so you are cute in this life," she continued. "At least you don't look four hundred years old or you just came from an explosion at a paint factory. And the clothes actually flatter you which is more than I can say for some of your outfits. So I guess I can forgive ginger here for kissing you but exactly how many have there been before her, two hundred, three hundred?"

"Look, I don't know who you are but this isn't what it looks like," Eight said. "I was overjoyed at remembering who I was and I got caught up in the moment and kissed her."

"And when you were lying naked in bed with the attack dog, was that another celebration as well?" River said.

"Huh?" Eight said.

"Never mind, never mind," River said. "Anyway, since you're being so generous with the kisses…"

She walked up and kissed him while Grace watched in disbelief. She quickly finished the kiss, sensing that Grace might turn into another attack dog. Grace came up beside Eight and they watched while River stepped back and programmed her manipulator.

"I'm going and I better not find you in the middle of a harem when I find your next life," she said to Eight before she activated her manipulator.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

The Second Doctor, Jamie and Victoria stood inside the marble court of the Bassalossin, the emperor of the Zolian Galaxy. They stood in front of a marble dais. On top of the dais was a gold throne where the Basssalossin sat. He was a tall slender alien with pale white skin and huge black eyes. He wore a red robe and a purple cape trimmed with white fur. Standing on both sides of the Time Lord and his companions was Bassalossin's harem, women from different planets dressed in harem girl outfits and veils covering both the head and the face. The Doctor had just saved the Bassalossin from an assassin and he was being honored by the emperor.

"We are grateful to you, Doctor, "Bassalossin said with a soft high-pitched voice. "You have saved us from death and now you and your friends shall be rewarded."

"No need for that," Two said, holding up his hand. "I'm happy you are safe and still on the throne."

"But my harem girls are at your disposal," the Bassalossin said, gesturing to the woman standing by the dais.

"Maybe we should take his reward, Doctor," Jamie said, nudging the Doctor in the side.

He grunted when Victoria slapped the back of her hand against his chest and glared at him.

"What? I'm a man and these are beautiful girls," he said, pointing to them.

Everyone fell silent when one girl stepped away from the others. She was dressed in a golden outfit with a golden veil over her head and lower part of her face. She jiggled her belly while she slowly made her way over to the Doctor. The Doctor raised his eyebrows when the woman gyrated in front of him.

"Madam, I'm flattered but there's no need for this," Two said while the woman danced around him.

"You can dance for me!" Jamie said excitedly.

He grunted when Victoria hit his chest again and gave him another look of death. Meanwhile, the woman put her arms around the Doctor and was swiveling her hips seductively while she gazed at him. Two cleared his throat, trying to appear nonchalant while the woman winked at him.

"You're short this time," the woman said while she gyrated her hips. "And your hair is a bit rubbish but still, at least your not a multicolored clown or a thousand year old grumpy geezer."

"What?" Two said, confused. "I'm not a clown or a geezer, I'm…"

He was stopped mid sentence when River threw off her face veil and rammed her lips onto his. Victoria and Jamie were in shock when Two eagerly returned her kiss.

"Oi, what about me? Can I have a go?" Jamie said, tapping River on the shoulder.

"Jamie, behave!" Victoria said.

"Tell that to the Doctor," Jamie said, pointing at him. "He's nae behaving himself, is he? Pull him away from the woman if you're so upset."

"Fine. Doctor, stop this," Victoria said, trying to pull him away from River. "Everyone's watching. It's embarrassing."

River sighed and broke off the kiss.

"It's nice that you have such loyal companions but can't they back off for ten minutes?" River said to the Doctor. "All I wanted was a kiss."

The Doctor was a bit stunned and it took him a moment to form a complete sentence again.

"Yes, well…there is such a thing as decorum," Two finally managed to say.

River let out an enormous snort.

"Wow, I never thought I'd hear you say that," River said. "Still…can't tell you what happens when you get a bit older. Spoilers. And no, you can't have a go at me," she said to Jamie when he came up to her side with a hopeful look on his face. "I have a feeling that woman fancies you and that's why she's so against you kissing me," she added, pointing to Victoria.

Jamie and Victoria shared a glance and Jamie cleared his throat nervously while he backed away from River.

"That's what I thought," River said. "Anyway, I will tick off another Doctor and bid you all adieu."

He pushed up the chiffon sleeve of her harem outfit, punched in a coordinate on her manipulator and with a wave to the Doctor disappeared from view.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

The Seventh Doctor couldn't believe what was happening. Here he was, stuck on the Planet of the Cheetahs fighting the Master who was now half cheetah himself. The Master was attacking him with a savageness that scared him and he felt himself giving in to that savageness. The Master grinned at him, his canine fangs now elongated giving him a vampiric appearance while his feline eyes gazed at him hungrily.

"No, we need to stop this!" Seven said while they struggled together on top of a dusty rock. "We mustn't give in. IF WE FIGHT LIKE ANIMALS, WE'LL DIE LIKE ANIMALS!"

"You know, I'm getting tired of landing somewhere and trying to figure out what the hell is going on."

The two men stopped struggling and looked to their right. River was standing by the rock, her eyebrow raised while she stared at them.

"Don't you ever take a holiday?" River said to the seventh Doctor. "Haven't you heard of the beach? Just once, I'd like to find you on a beach instead of fighting some mangy vampire."

"I beg your pardon, I am not a vampire," the Master said indignantly as he got off the Doctor and stood up.

"You have fangs," River said, pointing to him while Seven stood up beside him.

"I am becoming a cheetah," the Master said proudly.

River gave him a long, hard stare.

"A cheetah," she finally said. "Why are you becoming a cheetah?"

"Because I want to be like one. I want the cheetah's power," the Master said.

River gave him another long, hard stare before beckoning to the Doctor. The Doctor glanced at the Master and stepped off the rock. The Master started to follow but River held up her hand.

"Stop, I want a private chat with…my God, you're small," River said when the Doctor reached her side. "You're even smaller than the other Doctor."

"This is hardly the time or place to talk about my height," Seven said to her. "I am fighting the Master and you are putting yourself in danger, madam."

"You mean Simba back there? I'm not afraid of him," River said, putting her arm around his shoulders. "Look. First off, what's with all the question marks?"

"You mean my waistcoat?" Seven said, putting his hand on it.

"Your waistcoat is covered with little red question marks and you have to ask me what I mean?" River said.

"Look, I don't have to justify my clothes to you, whoever you are," Seven said indignantly while the Master sighed angrily. "I'm in the middle of a battle."

"Yeah, I heard you yelling like a banshee when I first appeared," River said dryly. "As for who I am, I'm going to be someone very important to you in future so I believe I have the right to criticize your fashion sense."

Seven looked over his shoulder and glared when the Master sniggered at that.

"On second thought, I'd better just get on with it because Mister Meow Meow back there is giving me the willies," River said. "Right! Here goes!"

"Here goes…"

Seven was cut off before saying "what?" when River grabbed him by the waistcoat and snogged him senseless. The Master was taken aback for a moment before he hopped off the rock and walked up to his nemesis. With amusement, he watched while Seven got into the kiss as River ran her hands up and down his back.

"You know, I could kill you now while you're distracted but I'm actually interested in this so I'll just watch," he said.

The Master slowly walked around the couple as River made out with him, examining them from every angle. He stopped on the Doctor's right side and applauded when River finished kissing him and stepped back. Seven gasped for air, his eyes boggled while the Master snickered.

"Well, that finishes that," River said with a shrug. "I'll leave you alone now so you can go back to battling Simba. Have fun and try not to turn into a cheetah, I don't want you to shed when we're in bed together. Cheers!"

The Doctor and the Master watched while she punched in the coordinates and disappeared.

"Friend of yours?" the Master said to the Doctor.

"Um…don't know, she seemed to know me," Seven said.

"That would be an understatement, I think," the Master said. "So, back to our battle?"

"Um…yeah, just give me a minute to compose myself before we begin," the Doctor said while the Master chuckled and followed him back to the rock.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

River fell silent when she finished her explanation and looked at her husband and parents with a sheepish grin.

"It was a joke really," she said to them. "Just a bit of harmless fun."

"Do you realize how long it will take me to go back in time and erase your shenanigans from the memories of my other selves so the timelines won't be disrupted?" Eleven said.

"I just wanted to see what it was like to kiss your other selves, sweetie," River said innocently.

"And the reason why I'm here instead of just doing what needs to be done is you're going to go and apologize to Sarah for calling her a strumpet," Eleven said. "I would take you back in time and have you apologize to Rose for your attack dog remark but that's not possible."

"She hit me repeatedly on the back," River said.

"Because you pounced on me and shoved your tongue down my throat in front of her," Eleven growled.

"Well, I'm sorry I didn't do what she did and lure you into bed. I was trying to hurry up and get out of there before you did something to me," River said. "And I wasn't serious about the strumpet remark, I was just teasing her."

"Funny, I don't recall Sarah laughing," Eleven said dryly.

"Fine. I'll come with you and reverse the damage," River said. "I didn't mean to get your knickers in a twist by doing this."

The Doctor used his sonic screwdriver to unlock the cage door and River stepped out.

"I suppose you're going to punish me now," River said to her parents.

"Actually, I thought it was funny," Amy said. "Well, I did," she said when the Doctor and Rory looked at her. "I mean, I know you have to go back and undo the damage but your reactions must have been priceless. Besides, she didn't mean any harm by it so go easy on her."

Amy took Rory's hand and they walked back into the TARDIS. The Doctor waited until they shut the TARDIS door before he chuckled and smiled at his wife.

"You are cheeky, you know that?" he said.

"And you love it," River said, putting her hand on his chest.

"Well, what you did was reckless and it means a lot of work for me," the Doctor said.

"Yes. But you would have done the same, love," River said. "And actually, you have done something similar to that. Cleopatra, Elizabeth the First, Eleanor of Aquitaine and who knows who else throughout time and space. You are a space pimp, admit it!"

The Doctor's eyes twinkled and he pulled her close to him.

"As I recall, you were the one jumping through time and space kissing everyone," he said.

"No, I kissed you," River said.

"And Jack."

"Well, that's because your attack dog was beside you. I had to kiss someone. Actually, he wasn't that bad. I might go back and find him again," River teased.

"I wouldn't if I were you," Eleven said.

"Oh? Why? Would you get jealous if I kissed him again?"

"No. You might find yourself chained to a bed with heaps of sex toys shoved into every orifice," the Doctor said.

"Ooo, sounds exciting. Maybe we could try that little scenario?" River purred as she ran her finger up the Doctor's chest.

She giggled when Eleven pretended to consider that.

"First, I have to fix what you did," he said.

"Oh alright," River said with an exaggerated sigh. "Afterwards then."

She kissed her husband and put her arms around him while Eleven deepened the kiss. They kissed for a few minutes before River stopped and smiled at him.

"I thought your third self was the best kisser but now I'm torn between him and you," she said.

"Oh, I'm definitely the best, hands down," the Doctor said as he took her hand.

"Hmmm, not entirely convinced of that. You're gonna have to change my mind about that," River teased.

She chuckled and kissed his cheek when the Doctor grinned at that. She kicked the cell door closed with her foot and held her husband's hand while they walked to the TARDIS.

THE END.


End file.
